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Heeeere on Gilligaaaan's I ... Oh, F**k Me in the Eyeball

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | March 3, 2010 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | March 3, 2010 |

Good God, you’ve got to be anally raping kidding me this morning. Gilligan’s Island: The Movie? I guess we now know what’s left after Hollywood has already drank the dregs — this the vomit the dregs triggered. And yet, so it seems: Variety reports that Warner Brothers is beginning development on the movie based on the iconic (yet strangely short-lived) CBS sitcom that aired between 1964 and 1967.

You know what I secretly think? I think that this whole Gilligan’s Island movie is a hoax perpetuated by JJ Abrams to shroud in secrecy the fact that he’s actually working on a big-screen version of “Lost” that will finally answer all those questions that THE FINAL SEASON REFUSES TO ANSWER.

Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

If you’re not familiar with “Gilligan’s Island,” that’s OK. It just means you’re under 25 (lately, I’ve realized that I actually do have to explain certain older shows, as a younger generation has no clue when it comes to anything that aired before 1980. Reruns ain’t what they used to be). So, the show was about seven people who went on a “three hour tour” and wound up stranded on some remote island for years, where they were never rescued despite the fact that the Harlem Globetrotters managed to visit the island and return without taking the castaways with them. These castaways made shit out of pineapples and even invented the first VCR, but it was never appreciated because the castaways were never rescued. Anyway, one of the castaways — Ginger — was a whore who slept with all the men, while the rich couple — Mr. and Mrs. Howell — paid to watch. Gilligan himself was something of a buffoon, who had a man-crush on the Skipper — who is known in certain circles as a Bear, whatever that means. There was also the Professor, who was wicked smart, but something of a pedophile. Given the lack of children on the island, he often molested monkeys.

Yeah. It was very subversive for 1960s television.

Brad Copeland has been given the task of adapting the show for the big screen. He also wrote Wild Hogsand the future Yogi Bear. He’s kind of a numbskull.

No cast has been set yet, and likely will not for another year or so. But one of the producers does think that Michael Cera would be the perfect Gilligan, because that’s what the world needs: A stammering, insecure emo Gilligan.

Apin’ Christ. I think I’ll swim out past the breakers and watch the world die.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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