Are you fucking kidding me with this? Voltron: The Movie? I have only the vaguest recollection of Voltron, the cartoon series, and for some reason, I thought it was a Transformers spin-off. It’s not really. More like a bad Transformers knock-off. Well, some enterprising producers (including one of the producers of The Dark Knight and Get Smart) have decided to big screen it.
If you’re too young to remember what Voltron was, allow me to fill you in: It was about five robot lions that, when combined, formed a giant super robot, Voltron. Each robot lion had its own pilot. And they were charged with defending the planet Arus from villain King Zarkon, who dispatched evil creatures called Robobeats to fight the Voltron robots.
In short, it was retardation epitomized.
But alas, it had a devoted following (it was the 80s; if a flaming bag of shit turned into a robot, it, too, would’ve had a devoted following). And a few somebodies somewhere thought: Hey! What a great concept for a movie. It’s like Transformers crossed with Siegfried and Roy.
The idea for a Voltron movie has actually been around for a while now — it had begun to languish before Atlas Entertainment decided to resurrect it. At one time, Justin Marks had been attached. Marks, as you recall, wrote one of the worst movies of the decade — Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. And it wasn’t bad because of the bad acting or the bad direction — mostly, it was the awful script. Of course, Hollywood doesn’t care about quality, they only care that a writer is capable of stringing together words, which is why Marks — following Street Fighter — has been attached to Voltron, Grayskull and Super Max, among other movies (mostly remakes). Apparently, in addition to lacking talent, the man also has no dignity.
And while you might think that Voltron is simply capitalizing on the unfortunate success of Transformers (like herpes, Michael Bay is the gift that keeps on giving), this one is different, according to one of its producers. “Unlike other robotic action movies, ‘Voltron’ is the personification of the human spirit, a quality that will set this movie apart.”
Giant lion robots! The personification of the human spirit! Yeah. And so is Bruno’s talking penis. Just be honest, Mr. Producer Man. Just say what you mean: “It’s going to be absolute shit. But it’s going to make so much motherfucking money, I’m going to buy a blow-up doll filled with cocaine, and I’m going to snort that shit out of her hoo-ha until I black out in her lap!”