In the least surprising announcement since a landmark multi-decade scientific study concluded that water was indeed wet, Vin Diesel announced to 4000 theater owners at CinemaCon that: “Furious 8 will be yours to share with the world on April 14, 2017.”
To be fair, the poor guys needed some good news since the average county in America only sees about sixteen people go to the movie theaters each week.*
So let’s dig into this announcement.
First, I have confirmed that April 14, 2017 is indeed a Friday, which is sad, because I have gotten quite used to being able to see movies on Thursday nights. Of course, that’s two years in the future by which time we will likely having flying furious cars and Fridays will be Thursdays after the Supreme Court steps in and abolishes Wednesdays for being not fast enough for our furious lives.
Second, despite furious calls for a fast response, there is no word yet from the studio what the actual title of the film will be. Speculation has run rampant, but a consensus among experts is that it will include either or both of the words “fast” and “furious”, in addition to the number 8, likely in a grammatically improbable location.
Third, there has been no confirmation of who is writing the script, likely because it will be shat out in the parking lot forty-five minutes before shooting commences.
Fourth, there has been confirmation of the involvement of any of the cast members, but early speculation is that everyone will be back on account of “liking money” and “really having nothing better to do”, in addition to the fact that “we might as well show up because the studio owns the rights to everything about us anyway, even after death”. Paul Walker could not be reached for comment, but his CGI avatar when prompted simply repeated “one lastest ride. Buy Pepsi. Family”.**
Fifth, I would like to take this moment to announce that TK’s Furious 8 review will be yours to share with the world on April 14, 2017.***
*statement completely unconfirmed by any evidence of any kind.
**all quotes are completely made up. Unless they’re not. Family.
***I really can’t back that up with any actual authority.