It’s no secret that SyFy Original pictures are occasionally so bad that they’re hilarious, and usually just so bad that they make eyes bleed, but their list of upcoming films for the next year truly has some gems. And by gems, I mean some of the descriptions are funnier than they are sad. Here they are, ranked from suck to blow.
Roswell — June 2012 - The story selected by fans for Syfy and IGN.com’s B Movie Mogul project, 65 years after the original UFO crash at Roswell, another ship from the same far-off civilization comes to rescue their downed comrades - and continue their preparation to invade the earth. Directed by Jason Connery (Area 51, The Devil’s Tomb). A production of After Dark Films.
How intriguing, a description that could equally describe at least 300 other movies. At least Will Smith isn’t in it this time.
Red Faction: Origins — 2011 — Robert Patrick (Terminator 2), Brian J. Smith (Stargate Universe) and Kate Vernon (Battlestar Galactica) star in Red Faction: Origins, based on the hugely successful Red Faction video game franchise. Twenty-five years have passed since Alec Mason (Patrick) led the Martian Colonies to freedom …and 12 years since vengeful enemies killed his wife, kidnapped his daughter Lyra (Tamzin Merchant), and left a broken hero in their wake. Jake Mason (Smith), Alec’s only son and an officer in the Red Faction Militia, has his world turned inside out when he discovers that now, 12 years after her kidnapping, his sister is still alive. As a powerful new enemy swarms across the planet, Jake goes out to find her, only to learn that his lost sister is one of them…a cold-blooded soldier sworn to destroy the Red Faction. Red Faction: Origins is produced by Universal Cable Productions and UFO Films.
At last, a made for television adaptation of a second-tier video game, there’s no way this isn’t going to be quality.
Zombie Apocalypse (working title) — October 2011 — Months after a zombie plague has wiped out 90 percent of the American population, a small group of survivors fight their way cross-country to a rumored refuge on the island of Catalina. A production of The Asylum.
Did you know that there’s a company that will let you rent a floating hamster bubble ball to hike across the channel to Catalina Island? I will buy this movie on DVD if these feature prominently in the plot:
St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun (working title) — St Patrick’s Day, Saturday, March 17th, 2012 — An evil leprechaun who has been imprisoned within the roots of a majestic old oak tree, is accidentally set loose on St. Patrick’s Day. Once free, he takes out his bloody revenge on the descendants of the people who originally imprisoned him. A production of After Dark Films.
The title is to avoid confusion that this might be the more famous Arbor Day Leprechaun, or the wee little sprite of the Leprechaun horror series. That series has 6 films. SIX. I hope Warwick Davis is getting some sort of kickback for this unrelated installment, Willow has to eat, you know.
Dungeons and Dragons 4 (working title) — September 2012 — A princess and a rogue knight become reluctant heroes inside a magical kingdom. A production of After Dark Films with Silver Pictures.
I can’t find any record of a Dungeons and Dragons 2 or 3, so I find the working title to be half this film’s charm. My other hope is that all the random celebrities who are admitted D&D players will be in the movie. Vin Diesel, Stephen Colbert, Lexa Doig. I’d watch that.
Bigfoot - 2012 — 1970’s pop culture icons Danny Bonaduce (The Partridge Family) and Barry Williams (The Brady Bunch) face off in the hunt for the legendary mountain creature. A production of The Asylum.
If only they could have found room for Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, they’d have gotten number one on this list.
Gretl — November 2011 — As an adult, a witch hunter (Hansel) returns to the village where he lived as a child to find and kill the witch who killed his sister, Gretl (Shannen Doherty), only to find that Gretl is not dead and danger lurks around every corner. Produced by Chesler/Permutter Productions & Vesuvius Productions.
How did this not get play on the film festival circuit?
Snowmageddon (working title) - December 2011 — A story about a mystical snow globe that makes very bad things happen in the real world when it is shaken. A production of Cinetel.
This is the film that will be shown repeatedly to Thomas Kinkade in hell.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack — 2012 — While everyone else runs scared, vacationing Jerseyites fend off shark attacks on the shore. A production of ARO Entertainment.
I’ve got nothing. This plot description is perfect just how it is.