Who's Ready For More Vamp/Werewolf Dullness?
Screen Gems, never to back down from beating a dead horse deader, is apparently moving forward with yet another entry in the Underworld series. The films, based on a premise involving a centuries-old conflict between vampires and “lycans” (aka — werewolves. Just call them fucking werewolves, OK?), originally starred the sexily wooden Kate Beckinsale as Selene the vampire hitwoman (excuse me — Death Dealer), and the equally sexy, but slightly more wooden Scott Speedman as some sort of goofy-assed vampire/werewolf… excuse me… vampire/lycan (oh, fuck me) hybrid. The two fall in love and shoot a bunch of shit. Bill NIghy provides the only bright spot outside of Beckinsale’s vinyl-clad rump’n’cans. The first one was mildly tolerable. The second was shitballs retarded.
Then, the unasked-for third entry, Underworld:Rise of the Lycans, starring Rhona Mitra and… fuck, I don’t know, some other stupid dude with abs, came and went but made a surprising amount of money — $91 million, almost three times its budget — and producers know a gravy train when they see it. Bill NIghy dined on scenery once more.
So we’re getting a fourth. Tentatively slated for January of 2011 (when all the really good movies come out), no details have been released regarding cast, plot or setting. However, my sources* tell me that it will likely involve a hot vampire and a hot werewolf who fall love and shoot a bunch more shit. It might be in the future, so they’ll shoot lasers or supernatural bullet-type things, or it might take place in the past, in which case they’ll shoot wholly impractical crossbows from horseback. There will be some amount of Romeo And Juliet bullshit. There might be boobs. Lots of blood. And no fucking point. There will be a big bad guy, and Bill Nighy, the British Christopher Walken, will likely be there to chew scenery and make it somewhat bearable. It will be shot entirely in blue.
My main gripe with the Underworld franchise is that the concept is so goddamn cool, yet they’ve consistently aimed and shot for mediocrity. And sometimes the dumb bastards even missed that.
Lycans. Oh, go screw.
*note: my source is actually just a bottle of Bushmills.