And this time, as per The Hollywood Reporter, those furriners who complain incessantly about the ignorance of U.S. citizens only have the right to give us 1/3 of the lumps for making Michael Bay’s latest cinematic travesty a rousing financial success. The biggest success in the franchise, no less, with Transformers: Dark of the Moon’s U.S. ticket sales currently around $340 million and the international gross boasting about $660 million. No doubt, some of the movie’s box office mojo stems from it being released in 3D, “requiring” higher ticket prices, and that is likely a contributing factor for the other two movies that have reached the $1 billion mark this year, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part II, respectively.
Huh. Maybe it’s the long ass titles that are the key?
Not only does this mean that Michael Bay will continue to have carte blanche in whatever film he makes next - undoubtedly something he can shoehorn the military industrial complex into - but it also means that the 3D craze is here to stay. I haven’t seen any of these movies (except for Harry Potter), so I blame this ongoing Baynisification of cinema on you people. All of you who paid to see these, and see them in three dimensions. It’s all your fault. I’ll bet you caused the worldwide debt crisis, too.
You are the reason we can’t have nice things.
Having said all that, on December 20, 2013 (or some such day after, no reason to cancel any plans you may already have) you should opt for a 3D movie that may lack giant robots but makes up for it with other giants, a movie with the potential to both blow your socks off and replenish some of those precious neurons your brain has wasted on bored actors and Baysplosions. Why December 20, 2013? Because on that day, my friends, a day that will surely live in famy, Walking With Dinosaurs 3D will stomp and roar in all its CGI majesty to a theater near you. If you’ve seen the original BBC series (as well as “Walking with Prehistoric Beasts” and “Before the Dinosaurs: Walking with Monsters”) then you know you’re in for a fun experience that doesn’t prey on your lizard brain, ironically enough.
Plus, dinosaurs! In 3D! That’s nearly as good as standing right next to one, and that is worth paying money to see, even John Hammond’s lawyer knew that before his top half was digested in the belly of a T-Rex.
The BBC/Fox documentary is being described as “transport[ing] families to prehistoric times, where an underdog dinosaur triumphs to become a hero for the ages,” which, honestly, doesn’t sound that far removed from “Allosaurus: A Walking with Dinosaurs Special” (my personal favorite). If the wizards who brought Big Al to sympathetic life can do the same on a far grander scale - the doc has an $80 million budget - then we could be in store for one of the few 3D treats coming out in the next two years. As long as the dinos don’t talk and act like humans, anyway. The Land Before Time only worked once, and we all know it.
Unless, of course, the dinosaurs do ape human nature and that description really means something like this:
I would pay to see that, too. Obviously. I’d just feel a little guilty about it.
Rob Payne also writes the indie comic The Unstoppable Force, co-hosts the internet radio show We’re Not Fanboys, and is usually thinking about various ways to fit dinosaurs into everything in pop culture on the Twitter @RobOfWar. If you can’t wait, like him, the first 3D movie to win a BAFTA award, Flying Monsters 3D, may be showing somewhere close to you (especially if you’re European), at some point between now and 2013.