Monday morning. Why are you such a fart? First I have to deal with the Super Bowl being boring as all hell and the commercials underwhelming. Then I have to scrape some news up from the endless void of awards shows and Beyonce praise. It’s tiring work, y’all. I would like you to know that each and every piece of news I present here pisses me off to some extent. Let that be the sunshine that lights your day, kids!
I have not seen the movie Contagion. If I want to worry myself into the fetal position while simultaneously losing control of my tear ducts and bowels, I’ll skip my meds for a day or two. I don’t need a movie for that. For those of you that did see Contagion and thought, “Hmm. That needs a sequel,” I have bad news and worse news. There will not be a sequel but there might be a television series! I KNOW!
We’ve been talking about turning it into a TV series and I think it may have a life there. It has some of the properties inherently like ‘Homeland’ and ‘24’ where you can really explore outbreaks and pandemics in interesting ways. Like this story, they take you to unexpected places, whether it’s drug companies or governments or scientists or people with political agendas. All of these things, once they’re out there, can be coopted from a lot of different angles.
It will be like “Law and Order:SVU,” except instead of thinking the world is filled with rapists, incestuous fathers, and children killing their parents, you can think we will all die from a contagion mutated from pinkeye in a barramundi! Wheee!
Johnny Depp has accepted the lead in Barry Levinson’s Black Mass. The movie is based on the book “Black Mass: The True Story of an Unholy Alliance Between the FBI and the Irish Mob” by Boston Globe reporters Dick Lehr and Gerland O’Neil. The true crime book is about Southie gangster Whitey Bulger and his alliance with the FBI to bring down a rival mob, only to have the FBI screw him and prosecute him as well. Ha! You may remember this being the inspiration for The Departed.
Depp will be playing Whitey. I do not like this. Depp has become an actor that needs a quirk in every character. Whitey doesn’t need veneers or a chin-length bob. He doesn’t need a bird headpiece and conversations with horses. He’s not a campy vampire or an effeminate pirate. He’s an evil man who did unspeakable things and then ran from them for 16 years. Depp being chosen to portray him makes me annoyed, to put it mildly.
The excellent shows “Green Lantern: The Animated Series” and “Young Justice” on Cartoon Network have been cancelled. This is oldish news but still stings me in the feeling place in my chest. Cartoon Network has decided that we instead need “Beware the Batman” and “Teen Titans Go!”. UGH. NO. Professor Pyg and Mister Toad as the Batman show villains? Those dudes are New Earth, right? The Teen Titans look like a pre-school version of themselves learning about friendships and hats. Look at these sh*t pictures of the two new series:
Just re-run the entire series “Batman: The Animated Series” and call it a day.
Finally, Michael Bay wants to reassure people that the next Transformers movie is not a reboot, but it is the first in a trilogy. It just takes place four years after the last clusterf*ck of a movie and allows him to pretend that the two racist caricature bots never happened. Bay is pleased to tell you that they’ve redesigned everything for the new movie. I won’t hold my breath that this means we might actually be able to tell which bot is which during fight scenes. I swear, all I saw were flashing metal limbs and indistinct ‘faces’ flopping across the screen like lens flares and explosions. BAH. BAH I SAY. Tomorrow had better bring me some good news.