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Tom Hiddleston Would Make The Most Polite James Bond Ever

By Petr Knava | Industry | March 7, 2016 |

By Petr Knava | Industry | March 7, 2016 |

So our very own Loki has now piped up about the possibility of being the next actor to play James Bond.

Speaking to the Sunday Times, Tom Hiddleston said:

I’m a huge fan of the series. We all went to see Spectre when we were shooting Skull Island in Hawaii. I simply love the theme tune, the tropes and the mythology. I love the whole thing. If it ever came knocking, it would be an extraordinary opportunity. […] And I’m very aware of the physicality of the job. I would not take it lightly.

Now, granted, this is just Tom saying that he quite likes the franchise. Nevertheless, with the fervent and inexplicable devotion that this interminable series somehow commands, that will probably be enough for his name to be added to the conversation as to who should take up the mantle of the anachronistic misogynist suit model watch model spy. Hiddleston can now share that special green room with Tom Hardy, Idris Elba, Damian Lewis, Aidan Turner, and Henry Cavill.

I feel that as Pajiba’s resident Bond skeptic/agnostic/hater I am uniquely qualified to comment on this development.

Firstly, Tom Hiddleston would make
politest James Bond

Awwwwwwwww! He’s such a sweet little posh thing!

But, as Bond? Seems like an awful idea. Right? I mean, I know Tom is an actor and as such can portray all manner of people, but — be honest, it’s not just me who thinks this — no matter what role he’s playing, or how well, you can always sorta feel that sweetly deferential aura bubbling innocently just beneath the surface. Even as sinister god Loki, as perfect as he is in the role, spitting venomously at Black Widow, you kinda feel like you could just reach out and tousle his hair. ‘Aww, Loki! “Mewling quim!” That’s so cute! Do that scowl again! The kids love it!’

But maybe I’m looking at this whole thing wrong. Maybe the politeness and the deference could be a great thing for Bond. Because one of the things I hate most about Bond is his essential Bond-ness. This shit here:
bond train.gif

Fuck off. You’re chasing a villain! Forget the damn cuffs! But, if you insist on being a ridiculous character that I hate, let’s take it all the way. Bring in Hiddleston. Make him apologise to everyone in that carriage.

‘Sorry! So sorry! Yes, I know, the back part of your train just got torn off, I do apologise! Oh, you like my suit? Bless you for saying that! Yes. Yes — you will be able to get a full refund for your ticket, I’ll talk to MI6, they’ll sort it out, I’m sure. Yes. Sorry! Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be chasing after this villain now. He’s awfully villainous you know! Ooh, is that Earl Grey?’

Unlike the swirling maelstrom of gibberish that was Quantum of Solace, the pretty-but-vacant nonsense that was Skyfall, or the I-demand-two-hours-of-my-life-back of Spectre, that might actually be worth watching.

Actually, I take it back. Despite what it might sound like, I actually am quite fond of Tom Hiddleston, and I think he’s a fine actor. He’d be wasted on this franchise of silly tropes and redundant form and desperate zeitgeist-chasing. As would the other apparent frontrunners listed above.


Almost all of them.

One might be just about the right anodyne fit…


Petr Knava plays music and reaaaaaaally doesn’t like Bond. That’s why he’ll keep writing about him.

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Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.