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Today in Science: Americans, Especially Ugly Ones, Hate Their Jobs, and Women Don't Masturbate Enough

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 25, 2013 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 25, 2013 |

Welcome to a new feature that I just made up that may or may not ever appear again: Today in Science, where we report findings on studies with provocative enough headlines to entice me into clicking.

For instance, The 2013 State of the American Workplace Report finds that most Americans don’t like their jobs, and in fact, their disdain for the employment is not only hurting their work, but their co-workers, mostly on account of the fact that “unengaged” employees like to passively-aggressively sabotage the work of “engaged” employees. The study finds that 70 percent of American employees are not engaged in their work, and those who are not engaged have no passion, which results in less productivity.

So what’s the solution? The study finds that you can implement all sorts of things — ping-pong tables in the break rooms, daytime naps, etc. — but that it won’t matter a whit if your boss sucks. The most important factor in workplace engagement is the selection of the manager: Cool managers result in happy employees. The ability to work at home also, ironically, results in more productivity for most employees.

One reason that some American employees may not be engaged with their jobs is because they’re ugly and their co-workers treat them poorly. A Michigan State University study finds that — just like in high school — unattractive people are mistreated by their co-workers at much higher rates than attractive people.

It may be even worse for unattractive ladies because they hate their jobs, their co-workers treat them poorly, and they don’t get off enough. According to the Kinsey Institute, as well as anecdotal evidence from Slate, it’s rough out their for ladies. Not only do they not discover masturbation until later in life, but they do it less frequently than men? Why? According to Slate, there are a few factors: They have less time alone, and they also face logistical challenges since their alone time tends to come in the shower, and it’s hard to get things to work while standing. Another factor is the fact that men in relationships aren’t getting it done: If a dude doesn’t treat his lady right, ladies tend to lie next to their snoring partners and fume in frustration (single ladies, on the other hand, can go home and finish the job).

The lessons here: Be nice to your employees; stop judging people based on their looks; and fellas, help a sister out. Either get the job done, or leave the room for a few minutes afterwards so she can finish what you failed so miserably at, you selfish little pr*ck.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.