Remember the Super Mario Bros. movie? For some reason, I watched it a lot as a kid, despite being an avid Sega fan, and I haven’t watched it since I was 9 or so but I have oddly clear memories of dystopian hellholes, evil dinosaur Dennis Hopper, a machine that turned people into Koopas, Fiona Shaw dressed like a dominatrix, and an extended gag about Mario’s full name being ‘Mario Mario’. Suffice to say, it wasn’t a hit. Indeed, the film was such a commercial and critical flop that it essentially killed video game adaptations for a few years and the late lamented Bob Hoskins called it the biggest mistake of his career.
All of that just makes the 2017 news that Paramount are developing a Sonic the Hedgehog movie so much more baffling. Why now? Especially since Sonic is in bad shape after a decade or so of games that range from decent to ambitious failures to incompetent catastrophes. The blue hedgehog hasn’t aged as well as his plumber comrade, who goes from strength to strength with each title.
Neal H. Moritz, who recently signed an upcoming first look deal with Paramount, is producing under his Original Film banner. Deadpool director Tim Miller will serve as executive producer, which means we’ll inevitably end up imagining an R-rated uber-edgy Sonic who breaks the fourth wall and talks about motorboating Tails by his ahem, tails. Hey, don’t look at me, that’s easily the least creepy thing written about Sonic the Hedgehog on the internet. Are you aware there’s a character in the canon who’s basically a bat with tits?
According to Variety, the film will be a mix of live-action and CGI, so prepare for that inevitable nightmare fuel. So who are we thinking? Chris Pratt as Sonic? A super slumming but no less dedicated Mark Rylance as Robotnik? Four hours of rolling hills and cyborg birds, as imagined by Terrence Malick?
Eh, I hear the new game is good?