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Today In Facepalm: The Identity Of "How I Met Your Mother's" Slutty Pumpkin Revealed

By Rob Payne | Industry | September 22, 2011 |

By Rob Payne | Industry | September 22, 2011 |

The creators behind CBS’s “How I Met Your Motherteased audiences before the start of the new season that long term fans of the show would begin to see some rewards for being loyal holdouts despite the show’s best days in the past. One of those rewards that I, and I’m sure at least one other person, was most excited about was the return/reveal of the Slutty Pumpkin from season one’s Halloween episode. That episode in particular was the first that I watched, and before it was over I had fallen for Ted Schmosby’s gooey, lovestruck view of the world. It was how I viewed myself in my best moments, and that feeling of unrequited anything always brings strong pathos to any story.

But sometimes those things are better left unrequited, riddles without solutions. Jokes without punchlines. Josh Radnor’s Ted has been mostly a douche since season three, but he beautifully expressed much of this sensibility in the season opener earlier this week. His pre-toast speech to Cobie Smulders’ Robin that he felt himself forgetting his romantic side after so many heartbreaks and let downs was made to sound sad, and it was, but considering who they’ve hired to play the Slutty Pumpkin the resolution to that thread feels very much like the last whole wheat everything bagel is being snatched away at the last minute.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How could any casting news really be that bad? After all, Ted and Barney survived Britney Spears, and Marshall withstood the cackles of the two-headed Heidi Spencer Pratt. Well, you be the judge.

This romantic destiny…


Is being resolved with this (spoiler, obviously)…


Yeah. It’s okay if you want to sigh in exasperation. I did.

With both James Van Der Beek and Busy Phillips making cameos in previous seasons, it’s pretty clear that Carter Bays and Craig Thomas are “Dawson’s Creek” fans. I regrettably watched every episode of that show myself, so I sort of get it, but Michelle Williams and Meredith Monroe would both make better Slutty Pumpkins than Katie “Should’ve Been Maggie Gyllenhaal” Holmes. Hell, it would be better if the Slutty Pumpkin had gender reassignment surgery after her penguin study and turned into Joshua Jackson (RIP).

Katie Holmes is worse than the stone cork on “Lost.”

Rob Payne also writes the indie comic The Unstoppable Force, co-hosts the podcast We’re Not Fanboys, and wears his douchey heart on his douchey sleeve on the Twitter @RobOfWar.

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