Tim Burton: Please Stop Hurting Us
Well, well, well. Do you people see what your curiosity about Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland has wrought? You can’t give a man $225 million in three weeks of box office and not expect him to punish you. And this is how Tim Burton is going to punish your asses:
3D. Stop Motion. Addams Family.
You just let that sink in, why don’t you. Maybe sing the theme song in your head while you let that information wreck your internal thought process.
How’s that feeling for you? Oh, good. Good. I’m glad. Yeah. There’s a little coffee dribbling down your chin there. You may want to get a napkin. I know, I know. It’s hard to swallow right now. Give it a minute. I think feeling will start to return to your fingers momentarily. Ride it out. Ride it out. It’s like an ice-cream headache, right? But it just won’t go away. No worries. No worries. Maybe close your eyes for a few seconds. Ummm. Yeah. Dude, your arm is twitching. Try to keep your head still. You know what, I think I’m going to call an ambulance. Just precautionary.
Anyway, word is: Burton is going to ignore both the previous two big-screen adaptations AND the television show and he’s going to based his 3D Stop-Motion The Addams Family movie on the original Charles Addams illustrations, which appeared in The New Yorker for 50 years.
No writer has been brought on board yet, but you can rest assured that both Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter will likely be a part of the project.
Now, seriously: You’re bleeding from a nostril. Let’s get you to the Emergency Room.
They’re creepy and they’re kooky. They’re all together ooky! Sing it with me! In a round. Carter Beauford on the drums! “The Addams Family!”