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Three Musketeers and Pompeii: We're Going to Try to Contain the Paul W. S. Anderson Suck to One Post

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | May 3, 2011 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | May 3, 2011 |

Say what you want about Michael Bay, but at least his enormous exercises in explosive excess make bank at the box office. Hate his output or not, there’s a very clear reason why he keeps getting money to make films: it’s because that’s an investment that pays dividends. Paul W.S. Anderson? He’s the mini-Bay. His films aren’t terribly expensive and tend to make back their money, especially when the overseas tallies are added into the pile. And seriously, the overseas people have some explaining to do. Resident Evil Aferlife: 3D made $60 million domestically on a $60 million budget. Overseas added another $240 million to that. What did we ever do to you, rest of the world? (Don’t answer that).

So, having already inflicted a prequel to Death Race on the year 2011, Anderson is now set to release Three Musketeers, which appears to be an abomination unto cinema. But AOL Moviefone has “exclusive” photos, by which they mean that they don’t understand what the Internet is.

Check it out, fancy sets and dresses!


Another fancy set and dresses!


And finally, I just don’t understand how this next picture is one of the featured special release photos put together by the PR team. Are they trying to destroy the picture? Stevenson just looks like he wishes “Rome” would start filming again. Macfadyen’s hair is desperately unfortunate, and I say this as a person who is so indifferent to hair styles that I don’t even notice when my own head gets a haircut. Luke Evans is the one on the right and the only one to be somewhat presentable. The second from the left is not in fact an unattractive fourteen year old girl, but is Logan Lerman, the allegedly male protagonist D’Artagnan. Please note that I would not at all consider it anything but a daring and intriguing choice for Three Musketeers to cast an unattractive young woman as D’Artagnan, I am merely pointing out that since Logan Lerman is in fact a 20 year old man, the PR department of the film should be asked why they chose the worst photograph of Lerman that the universe is in fact mathematically capable of producing. I assume it’s because a half second after this photo was taken, Matthew Macfadyen’s hair ate his face.


If that photo doesn’t make the characters unappealing enough, here’s the press release describing them:

Aramis (Luke Evans) is the James Bond of his time, a cunning Musketeer and an expert martial artist, but also a ladies man. Passionate and ambitious, Aramis is one of the best of the best and he knows it.

Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) is seen as the leader of the three Musketeers and acts as a father figure to D’Artagnan, taking him under his wing. Anthos is also quite secretive, with a mysterious past that haunts him throughout the film.

Porthos (Ray Stevenson) is the brute force of the three Musketeers, but also has an honest and slightly gullible side. Outgoing and boisterous, he enjoys the luxuries that come along with the popularity, particularly the wine, the food and the women.

D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) is trying to prove that he is worthy to join the ranks of the Musketeers, which makes him more dangerous than anyone else, because he has very little to fear and is unknown to the enemy.

Still conscious?

Well to contain all of the Paul W.S. Anderson love to one post, here’s a bit of unrelated news: Anderson’s next project will be set during the eruption of Vesuvius and will be modeled on Titanic, featuring a love story. Spoiler alert: the volcano blows and the movie sucks.

(sources: THR and AOL MovieFone)

Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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