NO NO NO NO NO There's Going to Be a Sort-Of 'Love Actually' Sequel NO NO NO NO NO
Because God hates us and wants us to suffer, news broke earlier today that there’s going to be a quasi-sequel to Love Actually airing on March 24 (in the UK) and 25 (in the US) as part of Red Nose Day, a yearly fundraising telethon-type thing (I don’t know, get the limey Petr to explain this one) put on by Comic Relief. Did you feel a shiver run down your spine oh, say, an hour ago? Because that’s why.
Original writer/director Richard Curtis is helming this short spinoff, which will catch up with the original characters some 14 years after they originally ruined Christmas forever. Per The Guardian, Hugh Grant, Martine McCutcheon, Keira Knightley, Andrew Lincoln, Colin Firth, Lucia Moniz, Liam Neeson, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Olivia Olson, Bill Nighy, Marcus Brigstocke and Rowan Atkinson are all on-board; Emma Thompson is not mentioned, which is probably a good thing, because her on-screen husband Alan Rickman is dead, and I’m not sure how you can spin that into comedy.
Now. Curtis. I hesitate to put myself out there, but I should mention that we here at Pajiba are noted experts on all things Love Actually, if somewhat against our own better judgment. You know, just in case you need some sequel suggestions. Just off the top of my head:
*Love Actually: The Search for the Missing Comma
*Mark (Andrew Lincoln) has murdered Juliet (Keira Knightley) and keeps her corpse in his basement, snug in a nest of bad sweaters.
*Love Actually: Turtleneck’s Revenge
*Hot Karl’s Shirtless Seduction Hour
*A no-holds-barred legal drama about divorce proceedings between Jamie (Colin Firth) and Aurelia (Lúcia Moniz), because there’s no way those two are staying together long-term.
*Natalie (Martine McCutcheon) has developed an eating disorder because of how people won’t stop talking about how fat she is.
*Per Victoria, “maybe some nerd actors they can include in the sequel because SO MANY OF THEM are nerd actors? ‘We got Bilbo Baggins, Professor Trelawney, and Rick Grimes in here already. Let’s see if any of the Doctors Who are down this time.’”
*The whole thing is just ten minutes of Billy Mack doing coke.
Goodbye. I’m going to go drown myself in a vat of hydrochloric acid.