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There Will Be A Smurfs 2 And I Just Can't, OK? I. Just. Can't.

By TK Burton | Industry | September 25, 2012 |

By TK Burton | Industry | September 25, 2012 |

There will be a Smurfs 2. NPH will return, instead of acknowledging that this was his Garfield and quietly escaping with his dignity.

Here is the plot, courtesy of Wild About Movies:

The Smurfs team up with their human friends to rescue Smurfette, who has been kidnapped by Gargamel since she knows a secret spell that can turn the evil sorcerer’s newest creation - creatures called the Naughties - into real Smurfs.
The Wild side: In this sequel to the hybrid live action/animated family blockbuster comedy The Smurfs, the evil wizard Gargamel creates a couple of mischievous Smurf-like creatures called the Naughties that he hopes will let him harness the all-powerful, magical Smurf-essence. But when he discovers that only a real Smurf can give him what he wants — and only a secret spell that Smurfette knows can turn the Naughties into real Smurfs — Gargamel kidnaps Smurfette and brings her to Paris, where he has been winning the adoration of millions as the world’s greatest sorcerer. It’s up to Papa, Clumsy, Grouchy, and Vanity to return to our world, reunite with their human friends Patrick and Grace Winslow, and rescue her! Will Smurfette, who has always felt different from the other Smurfs, find a new connection with the Naughties Vexy and Hackus - or will the Smurfs convince her that their love for her is True Blue?

That’s it. There is no surprise good news or anything. No jokes. I have nothing funny or amusing for you. There is no God, or Santa Claus, or Festivus. The universe is dark and awful and only suffering is in our future. Nothing you do matters. No one likes you. There is nothing but the cold blackness of a Hollywood executive’s soul. And another Smurfs movie. I’m sure the Yogi Bear sequel is around the corner. By all means, continue staggering through your meaningless existence and pretending that life has some sort of purpose, ignoring all the signs to the contrary.

Here, to make this post as miserably complete as possible, is four minutes and thirty-two seconds of people getting kicked in the balls. Maybe it’ll help somehow.

I hate you all.

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TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.