Well, I guess this is one way to make the world’s most boring channel slightly more interesting. Apparently, The Weather Channel is going to start showing movies. The series will be called “The Weather Presents…” and they’re going to feature weather-themed films. First on the docket is the Wolfgang Peterson-directed George Clooney/Mark Wahlberg film, The Perfect Storm, a somewhat entertaining, but overall disappointing film about the massive storm fronts that collided on Gloucester, MA and wrecked everything. How you can make a movie starring Clooney, Wahlberg, Diane Lane, John C. Reilly and William Fichtner be that dull is still a goddamn mystery to me, but that’s a debate for another time.
Regardless, every Friday night starting in November, if you’re really bored, you can now tune into The Weather Channel and watch nature wreak fake havoc. Don’t know how long this will last, since, honestly, how many weather-related films are there? Twister? White Squall? Um… yeah, that’s all I got. Apparently, the next two films will be Misery and Deep Blue Sea. What? Look, just because there happens to be a storm somewhere during the movie, does not make it weather-related. The Weather Channel is fucking cheating, goddammit.
Whatever. I hate the weather channel. I turn it on every morning to see what it’s like outside, and the next thing I know 20 minutes have gone by and I still haven’t changed the channel and I’ve got that annoying, fucked up music in my head. Half the time, it’s not even the fucking weather in my area. WHY AM I WATCHING THE WEATHER IN FUCKING DESHLER, NEBRASKA? The Weather Channel is like incredibly boring heroin. It’s goddamn creepy. I firmly believe that The Weather Channel is broadcasting some sort of mind control wave that takes advantage of your sleep-deprived brain. First they started featuring Lewis Black, and now it’s movies. I’m telling you right now: The Weather Channel is beginning its quiet bid for complete mind control of the human race. They are an evil empire bent on world domination. So when you find yourself mindlessly watching information about the barometric pressure systems in Texarkana, don’t come crying to me.
I fucking warned you.