I was having a good morning, all things considered, and then this happens. There have been rumblings about a remake of John Carpenter’s classic The Thing, a movie that I’ve adored for as long as I can remember. I’ve raved about it before. We heard the remake was coming, and now… now it’s here. And it… sigh.
Look, The Thing is a near-perfect horror film. It’s well-acted, the tension is palpable, the effects still hold up, the setting, cinematography, everything about it is fantastic. It doesn’t need remaking. No one wants it to be remade. You motherfucking worthless soulless donkeyfucking whores, why would you do this? And before anyone starts with that “Carpenter’s The Thing is already a remake” crap — no it’s not. It’s technically a sequel to the 1951 Hawks film. Also, shut the fuck up.
Sigh. Fine, the news. Universal is moving forward. They have a director — Matthijs Van Heijningen, who has never directed a full-length film. Outstanding. We should absolutely entrust one of the greatest films of the genre in the hands of some shitbird who can’t figure out how to take the lens cap off. According to Bloody Disgusting, Mary Elizabeth Winstead will star. Winstead is lovely and adorable, and now I want to set her on fire. The plot:
Winstead will play a Ph.D. candidate who joins a Norwegian research team in Antarctica after it discovers an alien ship in the ice. When a trapped organism is freed and begins a series of attacks, she is forced to team with a blue-collar mercenary helicopter pilot (Joel Edgerton) to stop the rampage.
As for Edgerton’s character (via SlashFilm):
In his early 30s, rugged, handsome, blue-collar, he’s a helicopter pilot with a private charter service that transports personnel and supplies from McMurdo Station to remote research sites across Antarctica. Carter is a mercenary. He flies when he wants, where he wants, and he flies for one reason: money. But his resourcefulness, experience and get-it-done mentality make him indispensable.
I hate everything about that. Oh, look, it’ll be a little romancey thing. And there’ll be sparks, even though I bet that in the beginning they won’t like each other because they’re so different. But they’ll learn to work together to fight off the alien. I hope everyone dies. Not just the actors. Everyone. In the universe. There are inadequate words for how much this sucks.
Screw you, Universal. I’d like to force-feed you rabid lampreys.