The Sure To Be Not-Blockbuster Releases of Summer 2016
Not every movie released in the summer months is a Captain America: Civil War or a X-Men: Apocalypse. Sometimes there are movies that you’ve never even heard of via unrelenting marketing campaigns, toy tie-ins, and nerds. Here are some of the movies being released this summer that will likely be Less Than Blockbusters.
Kidnap - May 13
Halle Berry continues her post-Oscar reign of terrible with a movie about a woman whose child is taken. Wait — kidnapped. Do you know what she stops at to find her son?
Nothing. She stops at nothing.
Bonus: This one has been in the hopper since 2015 and there is no trailer. Shine on, you smooth turd!
The Darkness - May 13
Kevin Bacon and Radha Mitchell play
Justin and Dan Hawkins, the brothers that founded the band best known for “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” parents that discover something evil is in their house after they return from vacation.
Is it credit card debt? Herpes? Pazuzu?
The Bye Bye Man - June 3
This supernatural thriller follows a man attempting to prove his brother innocent of a crime. I’m guessing that the Bye Bye Man (probably Doug Jones) is the real killer and people think dude is crazy. Did I guess? Do I win something?
No. No one wins.
The Shallows - June 24
Mia (Blake Lively) is surfing alone when a shark attacks, stranding her 200 feet from the beach and safety. She’s in the shallows, but the tide is rising and the shark is going to eat her. Then the shark will revamp Lively’s lifestyle blog with a feature on hipsters getting married by dolphins underwater.
Lights Out - July 22
It’s another horror movie, because The Conjuring decided they can make money again! Teresa Palmer is a woman whose childhood was marred by events that happened in the dark, but not like you’re thinking. I’m talking supernatural stuff. Then her little brother starts to experience the same supernatural stuff.
Nine Lives - August 5
Kevin Spacey plays an uptight businessman that becomes trapped inside the family cat. Not like you’re thinking. It’s more of a Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold swapping bodies kind of thing, but one of them is a cat and possibly the other is in a coma.
The Space Between Them - August 19
I read the plot. I can’t think of things now, so I’ll just let you read it yourself:
In this star-crossed science fiction love story about two teens from different worlds, Gardner Elliot, the first human born on Mars, is secretly raised in an experimental colony after his astronaut mother dies during childbirth. Sixteen years later, Gardner begins an online romance with a girl living in Colorado and hatches a plan to travel across the universe to meet her. Now, on the run, with Earth’s gravity threatening his very existence, Gardner must race against time and nature to find his love and win her heart. Once united, the two teens venture to seek out the enigmatic billionaire who funded the original expedition to Mars, in hopes of uncovering information about Gardner’s mother and the mysterious circumstances surrounding how Gardner came into existence.
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