The Smurfs 2 is coming. Hold on to your brains, start training your children now to prefer the old-school animation and shitty storylines that don’t require a trip to the movie theater and $47 for tickets and snacks, and, since that won’t work, practice your skills at ignoring all of the things around you and falling into a J.D.-like state of fantasy.
I suppose I could tell you the story for the sequel nobody wants. Gargamel has created two Smurf-like creatures, called Naughties, Vexy (Christina Ricci) and Hackus (JB Smoove), so he can somehow steal Smurf essence for a line of perfume that will make people talk all Smurfing stupid. OK, I probably made part of that up. Gargamel is living in Paris, because the French like goofy-faced magicians with cats, and so the Naughties are able to bring Smurfette to him there. I didn’t make any of that up. Just…here’s the trailer if you hate yourself.
Burns, doesn’t it? July 31, 2013: THE SMURFENING….ONE MORE AGAIN. Go see it so Katy Perry can keep traveling the world with John Mayer, NPH can keep his twins in awesome Halloween costumes, and Jayma Mays can say she has a gig other than “Glee.” The rest of the cast includes Sofia Vergara, Jonathan Winters, Alan Cumming, Fred Armisen, George Lopez, Anton Yelchin and John Oliver. Dicks.