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The Sadly Sad Lindsay Lohan

By Rob Payne | Industry | December 9, 2011 |

By Rob Payne | Industry | December 9, 2011 |

The following is excerpted from my personal MySpace blog from August 26, 2007, on the occurrence of Lindsay Lohan’s Maxim photo shoot after one of her first alcohol/drug fueled binges, edited to fit her upcoming Playboy photo shoot for their January/February issue, on the occurrence of said magazine’s recently leaked cover:

“As I’m sure all of you know, Lindsay Lohan is a runaway train with a drunken, coked-out engine driver just waiting for the opportunity to squash a (once) pretty, red haired girl who has been pushed onto the tracks by her parents and paparazzi. By this I mean to say that her life is fucked up, totally FUBAR’d, and it’s not entirely her fault.

“Let’s take a look at that cover, shall we?”


“What exactly is supposed to be attractive about this image? The body posture looks more defeated than seductive. Her expression looks like something caught, something real and sad, like a little girl with too much life experience trying to be what she thinks is sexy, rather than a professional projecting her alluring appeal.She looks forced… whether that’s self-imposed or externally derived, we’ll never know. But the whole thing makes me fairly uncomfortable.

“What disturbs me the most about this ill-timed Maxim Playboy cover, is that people are speculating, fairly across the board, that Lindsay’s (acting) career is over now. That she probably can’t recover from (all eleventy billion of her) drunken debacle(s) because no one in the industry will ever want to work with her, (outside of skeevy reality show producers). Which is a shame, because Lindsay seemed like a promising talent up through the release of Mean Girls. But, of course, Mean Girls is also what propelled her into the star-making stratosphere and when she began enjoying her fame a little too much. Kind of ironic, really. But also sad. Within three years Lindsay Lohan became Hollywood’s hottest meal ticket and then fell into Hollywood’s deepest, most embarrassing hole.

“And that’s probably true. Only a handful of Hollywood stars can go to frequent stints in rehab, be consistently arrested for DUI and drug possession charges, and then come out on top with highly successful comebacks. And Lindsay ain’t Robert Downey Jr. Naturally, it helped that RDJ had the unanimous respect of his peers and the industry before he fell into his addictions, he also had a legitimate career. Lindsay only had a handful of successful movies and some mutually agreed upon ‘promise.’

“I won’t even attempt to place blame on anyone, but a mother who only wants to be your best friend and a father who seems to only want a piece of your income certainly can’t be helpful for a teenager going through such life-altering events — not to mention puberty. Britney Spears is a similar case. People need guidance when they’re being swarmed constantly by paparazzi, not yes-men. When you’re in the desert, trying to flee jackals and vultures, you need a friend who has water, not vodka.”

I’m not sure how to think that all of that still holds true. The biggest difference now is that she’s also Photoshopped to near non-existence. There was a gag in an episode of “Arrested Development” about family matriarch Lucille Bluth’s airbrushed driver’s license, and that Playboy cover isn’t far off. This is what she looked like in October this year:


I concluded my original blog post with this: “Hopefully Lindsay gets the help that she needs, otherwise we’ll see a spread in Penthouse followed by news of her accidental death in just a matter of months.” So, I was clearly wrong about the timeline and the adult men’s magazine then. But now? It obviously isn’t outside the realm of possibility. Then again, at some point, you become a god damn adult and take responsibility for your choices, or you really will die. That isn’t the kind of schadenfreude that’s fun to celebrate. Get help, Lindsay.

Rob Payne also writes the indie comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his ware can be purchased here. He would like to thank Courtney for letting him tread water where she normally dives so deep.