It was a close call, but one headline had to be the wring the filthiest juices out onto your morning. There was the fact that Fast and Furious 6 just began shooting, but that’s not immediate in its sadness since it is an ever present tragedy churning beneath the movie industry. I do not believe that the Fast and the Furious franchise ever stops filming. Somewhere, some desperate second tier director is filming Paul Walker in a car every second of every day. But Rush Hour 4, that’s new terrible news. If Fast and the Furious is the suspicious mole that’s always been on your arm, Rush Hour 4 is the mole you had removed from your other arm suddenly regrowing overnight like a mutant mushroom.
Then there was the fact that Masters of the Universe is in talks for a reboot. Yes, a studio is going to spend $100 million making a gritty live action film out of the children’s cartoon already smeared by Dolph Lundgren. I loved He-Man when I was a kid. When I was five, my mom helped me write a letter to the local television station asking them to put it on the air because I loved the toys so much. “Dear Sir or Madam” took up the first three lines, though I hadn’t the slightest clue what that meant. And a few weeks later, it was on the air, and I told everyone at school, that it was because of my letter. I wish I had still believed in words enough to write another letter telling them to kill their scripts with fire. But that doesn’t make me as sad as Rush Hour 4, because at least He-Man is explicable in the sense that Hollywood will always return to old genre franchises that haven’t been touched in decades.
Rush Hour 4, mother of god. Chris Tucker, I understand, you really have nothing else to do and it’s not like The Fifth Element is paying you much in the way of residuals. But Jackie Chan? You’re an institution man, did you seriously not save any of those paychecks over the years? Is it a cultural thing where you have gotten the confused impression that these films are great art?
Here’s what producer Arthur Sarkissian had to say about this aneurysm of stupidity:
I am working on Rush Hour 4 right now with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. I’m trying to do it closer to how I did Rush Hour 1, more down to earth, more gritty, introduce two new characters and make it real the way the first one was. I personally was not happy with the third one. I thought 1 and 2 were very good. I think 3 got out of hand a little bit. It’s not a matter of just bringing them back to do another segment of that or a sequel to it by putting them in another city and having them bicker. I don’t want that. I want something new.
Something new? How about not making the fourth installment of a one joke franchise that was stale before the trailers finished rolling at the premier of the first film?