I am absolutely convinced, and I will not entertain any notions to the contrary, that SpongeBob Squarepants is singularly responsible for the drastic increase in attention deficit disorder among school-aged children. The entire show is made up of rapid-fire non-sequiturs loosely held together by juice-box stickiness and sneaker velcro. And when all this wonderful, colorful nonsense is blasted at your children, it rewires their brains. It gets in there. It gets in deep. And by the time your kid is in the second grade, he can no longer function because people in the real world talk at a normal rate of speed and speak with a measure of logic. It doesn’t compute.
Need loud-talking cheese-looking sponge to machine-gun adult pop-culture references and smack self. WHERE’S RED BULL? DADDY, I NEED RED BULL. GIVEMESOMEFUCKINGCRACK.