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Do You Smell What He's Cooking? Roadkill Au Jus.

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | July 13, 2010 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | July 13, 2010 |

Dwayne Johnson, The Rock himself, has managed to stoop lower than that Tooth Fairy crapsplosion of earlier this year by signing onto the latest installment of the endless The Fast and the Furious franchise. This news has been leaked to the world by Tyrese Gibson on his Twitter account. Mr. Gibson eloquently pronounced: “Major shouts to Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, & Dewayne “Rock” Johnson!! “Fast & Furious Five” Let’s get em again!!”

I always really liked The Rock, and have found his abysmal choice in scripts over the years to be sharply painful. He’s got the brawn to pull off the old school eighties action hero look that died out at some point (likely of heart complications resulting from steroid use), but he’s also got a gift for comic timing that shines in his SNL appearances and the occasional film like The Rundown. The problem is that he started on Ahnold’s career trajectory and then got the directions confused and launched straight into the Kindergarten Cop era while never nailing down the Predator and Terminator era for posterity.

When I first heard about the Rodriguez Predator film that intended to go back to the roots of the original, my first thought was that they were going to get the Rock to fill the Governator’s shoes. He just naturally fits the mold to a T, unlike most any other actor working today. So yet another shit role in another shit movie? Guy needs to fire his agent.

Oh and related news: The film will be called Fast 5, which I’m pretty sure is also the name of those little five number lottery tickets they sell at gas stations. Come on though, Fast 5? That’s dumb, but nowhere near as atrocious as 5nal Destination. Have some pride Fast & Furious, you’re the reigning champion of nonsensical sequel plays on numbers, you’ve got to do better than Fast 5. 5ast & 5urious? F5F? Fast V Furious? I believe in you, no one can outdumb your title selections.

Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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