Symmetric dates must be to lawyers what full moons are to werewolves, because everybody with a briefcase and cab fare to the Los Angeles County Court House has filed a lawsuit linked to bad television.
First up, “Storage Wars” has fired one of its participants (Dave Hester) for complaining to the media that the show was “a fraud” because producers get into the storage lockers in advance and put good stuff in there. I am shocked. Shocked and appalled. When asked if he is aware of the phrase “biting the hand that feeds him” Hester would only repeatedly say “yuuup” like a a brain damaged Budweiser frog. He is suing A&E, presumably paying for lawyers with all of the piles of totally non-fraudulent money he has from the show.
Next up is an actress referred to only by her first name and last initial (“Anne G”, because that will make her totally anonymous in the world of IMDB) has filed a lawsuit against Cinemax for forcing her into humiliating simulated sex acts and nudity on the set of “Femme Fatales.” There are a lot of easy punchlines involving variations on pointing out that “humiliating simulated sex acts and nudity” is the TiVo description of “Femme Fatales,” but the details are over the top douchey. For instance, refusing to have a closed set for nude scenes despite union rules to that effect combined with being told that if the shirt doesn’t come off the show will sue the actress for $100,000 for breach of contract. But hey, I guess we have a front runner for the Joe Francis memorial award for Biggest Douche in the Universe.
In less skeevy news, “Pawn Stars” is being sued by an agent who claims that the “stars” of the show were steered to a different agent by the History Channel, and … well sorry, I lost my train of thought in the article when I saw that the suit is for $5 million in lost income, and I don’t want to read an article that tells me a world exists where the History Channel pays pawn shop owners millions of dollars.
Oh, wonderful, we’re back to skeevy news. Brandi Passante of “Storage Wars” fame (and I use the term as loosely as Cinemax’s morals) is suing Hunter Moore, professional twat waffle, for using her image and name in order to sell a pornographic tape presumably featuring someone who vaguely looks like her. I don’t know if I’m more disturbed by the apocalyptic douchery needed to do this in the first place, or the fact that there is a market for it at all. Congratulations Mr. Moore, you are the Apocadouche.
It’s often said in pointless lawsuits that the only winners are the lawyers, and while that’s hardly something to root for in general, in this case it might be that the lawyers will end up with all the money at the end and strip several terrible television franchises dry.