Three years ago, after I had a kid, a lot of the commenters razzed me and suggested that I’d mellow out. In my mind, I told them to go fuck themselves, but they were right. There’s still quite a bit that will get my ire up, but my default setting is no longer quiet, bubbling rage (that’s TK’s territory these days). You have a kid and the unicorns and rainbows come out, and it’s harder to hold a muzzleloader to the world.
I no longer want to kill everyone, but I still want to murder the people behind the I Spit on Your Grave remake in the face. And the neck. And in the junk. I know I’m a broken record on this, but the movie poster for the film came out, and even though I told myself I wouldn’t speak of the remake again — because in doing so, it inadvertently promotes it — I can’t help myself. Because my lips curled, and my hands started to tremble like a goddamn nursing home geriatric trying to button his sweater vest. I even slept on it, thinking the feeling might subside, but when I woke up this morning and caught another glance at the movie poster, I wanted to cause malicious, violent harm to director Steven R. Monroe and everyone at Anchor Bay Entertainment responsible for this bullshit. Because as bad as the original film was — and no movie has ever made me as homicidal as that 1978 film — at least the movie poster highlighted the fact that it was supposed to be a feminist revenge flick, even if it was the absolute farthest thing from that.
This new poster, which pays homage to the original movie poster, doesn’t even get that right: It pays lip service with the very small “Day of the Woman” caption tucked away in the lower right hand corner. But otherwise, the only thing you can say for this poster is that it sexualizes a rape victim. And not just any rape victim, but a woman who is brutally gang raped by several men and left for dead. And they show the bruises and the dirt and the dried blood, but they make goddamn sure that they also airbush that ass. Because the assholes who put together this poster want to titillate you; they want you to see the movie, not because this woman takes revenge on her rapists, but because this hot lady with a nice ass gets gang-raped on a rock. That is the only explanation for this movie poster. It’s inexplicable. It’s fucked up. And they make motherfucking sure to highlight the fact that it’s unrated, as if to say to the redneck assholes who get off on this bullshit: She’s gonna get raped real good. Those fucking troglodytic peons: Jump up my ass. Die in a house fire. And not from the blazes, you shitheels, but slowly from smoke inhalation. And I hope, while you’re coughing up your goddamn lungs, someone is standing behind you and shoving a bar stool up your ass. This bullshit is inexcusable.
Here’s the movie poster, and for anyone that sports wood at the sight of this woman’s ass: 1) Get a life, 2) Don’t be so fucking pathetic, and 3) I hope you stub your dick in the door.