I never much liked any of the iterations of Charlie Brown. The comic was barely a step above the dystopian hell of “Family Circus”, the budding serial killer fantasy of “Dennis the Menace”, and the incomprehensibly boring “Sally Forth”. In a world in which we had “Calvin and Hobbes”, the rest seemed terribly out of date. And the animated films that were a staple of holidays? The Halloween one, the Christmas one … was there a Thanksgiving one? I don’t even want to remember. By the time I was a teenager, I had well-developed and specific feelings of sadism towards just about every single character.
But at this point, my childhood has taken so many cheap shots from shit remakes and generational appropriation that my nostalgia is punch drunk, and even if I hate Charlie Brown, the hell if they’re going to remake it with shiny CGI without getting a few vague haymakers lunged in that general direction.
Says director Steve Martino, who’s an extra ‘o’ from being a lot more interesting:
“I wake up every day and it’s like, ‘Today’s the day we’re going to win that game! I’m going to kick that football!’ As you have more life experience, those things have more meaning.”
No, the older I get, the more I wish that Charlie Brown would sack up and kick Lucy in the face the next time she yanks the ball away. For fuck’s sake it’s not a Sisyphean metaphor, it’s just being a goddamned idiot and not learning from your mistakes. Guess what, if you identify with Charlie Brown, you’re not a good-natured and long suffering soul, you’re just a moron who doesn’t realize that you’re the root of all your own problems.
Here are a bunch of perfectly crisp pictures that fill me with rage. Click to make them larger, which will proportionately increase your anger.
Charlie Brown is a really shitty cartoon, as insipid as a bonfire full of Thomas Kinkade paintings. But it’s OUR shitty and insipid cartoon and these jackholes have no right to bad touch it this way.