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The Olympics Got Real Pornographic Last Night

By Rebecca Pahle | Industry | August 9, 2016 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Industry | August 9, 2016 |

The Rio Olympics are over, everyone. Just go home. Yes, because there’s shit in the water. But also because, last night, men’s synchronized diving happened, and really the Olympics are all downhill from there. As a reminder, this is the event where NBC can air all the itty-bitty speedos, taut abs, and v-zones in the world, and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it.

The gold medal in the 10m platform five went to China’s Aisen Chen of Yue Li, the men attached to these two sets of washboard abs:

And these are your silver medalists, David Boudia and Steele Johnson of the United States:

Yeah, I said “Steele Johnson.” No, that’s not a fake name from the Space Mutiny episode of MST3k. It’s not a porn name. Steele Johnson is from Indiana, loves Jesus, and had just a stellar middle school experience. Twitter was not displeased.

Winning Bronze with his partner Daniel Goodfellow was British diver Tom Daley—who, incidentally, is engaged to Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black (Milk). Black is not an unlucky man, and he would like Sam Smith to stop, please.

Daley and Goodfellow’s win, as with many things, is improved by the presence of some judiciously placed Celine Dion.

Oh, screw it, have more pics:

And finally, here is it: The best Olympics tweet of all time.

Can NBC hire Sister Mary? It’s not like the commentators they have are doing all that well.

One more for the road, with apologies to Sister Mary:

Top pic taken from Tom Daley’s Instagram, which is just fucking ridiculous.

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