The Rio Olympics are over, everyone. Just go home. Yes, because there’s shit in the water. But also because, last night, men’s synchronized diving happened, and really the Olympics are all downhill from there. As a reminder, this is the event where NBC can air all the itty-bitty speedos, taut abs, and v-zones in the world, and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it.
The gold medal in the 10m platform five went to China’s Aisen Chen of Yue Li, the men attached to these two sets of washboard abs:
And these are your silver medalists, David Boudia and Steele Johnson of the United States:
Yeah, I said “Steele Johnson.” No, that’s not a fake name from the Space Mutiny episode of MST3k. It’s not a porn name. Steele Johnson is from Indiana, loves Jesus, and had just a stellar middle school experience. Twitter was not displeased.
"Steele Johnson?"— dominic (@dombleY) August 9, 2016
"YES IT MEANS ERECTION, I HEAR IT TOO."
"Steele Johnson" is my favorite Olympian name. You know that dude is fighting crimes on the streets of Rio while the other athletes slumber.— Jon Acuff (@JonAcuff) August 9, 2016
Steele Johnson. Your parents knew what they did.— Squid Pro Quo (@cthulhuchick) August 9, 2016
David Boudia just described his diving partner Steele Johnson as being "like a rock" on NBC. #Rio2016— Lindsay Ellis (@thelindsayellis) August 9, 2016
Steele Johnson? This diver is named Steele Johnson? His parents did that to him? How did this happen?— Amadi (@amaditalks) August 9, 2016
If you think Steele Johnson is a funny name, you should meet his brother, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson— Richard Lawson (@rilaws) August 9, 2016
Weirdly, Steele Johnson's porn name is Mister-Fuzzymuzzle 22nd.— Glen Weldon (@ghweldon) August 8, 2016
Winning Bronze with his partner Daniel Goodfellow was British diver Tom Daley—who, incidentally, is engaged to Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black (Milk). Black is not an unlucky man, and he would like Sam Smith to stop, please.
Daley and Goodfellow’s win, as with many things, is improved by the presence of some judiciously placed Celine Dion.
Oh, screw it, have more pics:
And finally, here is it: The best Olympics tweet of all time.
Can NBC hire Sister Mary? It’s not like the commentators they have are doing all that well.
One more for the road, with apologies to Sister Mary:
Top pic taken from Tom Daley’s Instagram, which is just fucking ridiculous.