Don’t worry. It’s a false alarm. As Movieline notes, it’s just a live-reading hosted by Jason Reitman at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. But Jesus, Movieline: You should include a defibrillator with that headline. Not nice. NOT NICE.

It’s not that Natalie Portman isn’t excellent for the role originally played by Shirley Maclaine. And Jake Johnson (“The New Girl”) is even a compelling C.C. Baxter (along with J.K. Simmons as Sheldrake), it’s just that you don’t remake The Apartment. A live reading? Fine. Go for it. I hope it’s for a great charity. And Reitman has plenty of Billy Wilder in him. But there are only a handful of perfect films in this world and The Apartment is a perfect film. The remake rights should come with a Poltergeist curse.

So let’s just hope this is as far as it goes. The Apartment is off limits, even to the likes of Reitman and Portman. OK?

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