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The Most Sarcasm Inducing Headlines of the Day

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | December 6, 2012 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | December 6, 2012 |

It’s one of those days when nothing particularly interesting seems to be coming down the trade news pipelines. Ooh the seventeenth trailer for The Hobbit and another clip of Tom Cruise pretending to be taller than he is. There are however plenty of headlines that just bring out the rage. The Hollywood Reporter was on a roll this morning.

“PBS Exploring Ways to Air ‘Downton Abbey’ Closer to U.K. Run”

Did they try money? I’m often surprised at just how many things that can fix. That must explain why there’s been nothing on PBS for the last week except for terrible music and phone banks. Here’s a hint to getting my money. Run the phone banks during the usual good television that I like, not the bizarre special crap broadcast when you want my money. That’s like a waiter serving you a wonderful meal, bringing out course after course of succulence, and then bringing the bill with a dollop of feces. Oh yeah, that’s getting a great tip.

(source: THR)

“‘Dark Knight Rises’ Shooter’s Records Released; Theater Set to Reopen:
University of Denver released 2,000 documents related to alleged shooter James Holmes, revealing that he had a brief romantic relationship.”

Okay fine, that’s in the extended subtitle, but it’s still above the fold so it’s fair game. Seriously, “a brief romantic relationship”? You might as well report that he once ate a hamburger, because that is equally uncommon in American society. Hell, having eaten a hamburger is probably more newsworthy than a brief romantic relationship, since vegetarians don’t eat the former, but pretty much every adult has experienced the latter. Newsflash: spree killer has fingernails, film at eleven.

(source: THR)

“Grammy Nominations Revealed: 6-Way Tie at the Top”

Parity: a theory pioneered by the NFL to argue that every team sucking in the AFC West somehow made it more interesting. Now coming to the music industry.

(source: THR)

“Hollywood’s Power 100 Mingle at THR’s Women in Entertainment Breakfast”

Breakfast? Because nothing says that you value an event like not even bothering to make it a dinner. Breakfast meetings are for things that you don’t care about so that you still have the rest of the day to be productive.

(source: THR)

I really could keep going, but at some point the mercy rule goes into effect.

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Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.