It kinda happened a bit more quietly this year than in some other years, but lo and behold, the new fall season of television is upon us. Last week, the CW premiered “Nikita” (which Dustin rightly concludes is a low-rent piece of popcorn TV), and tonight sees the premiere of “Outlaws” (and the return of the now-on-Wednesday-nights “Survivor,” which has folks wet with anticipation as to what Jimmy Johnson will do when his perfectly sculpted helmet hair loses its sculpt - I predict his rage will lead to the uncontrollable murder of Probst, like Homer killing the Hamburgler).
What are the mostly hotly anticipated new fall shows? I don’t have the foggiest of an idea because I’ve been so god damn busy at my god damn stupid real life god damn job that I’m entirely disconnected from things. But in a little bit, I’ll give you the list of my most anticipated shows. But first, the least anticipated shows. And while I may be disconnected from the pulse of things, I can’t imagine there’s much room for debate or being wrong when it comes to this list (all of which premiere next week, which is when the networks have most of their new shows dropping, along with a great many returning show premieres).
5. Outsourced (premieres on September 23 at 9:30 p.m. on NBC). NBC is still a fucking mess, on the whole, as a network. But over the last few years, it’s managed to put together a few really great comedies. “The Office” and “30 Rock” are losing steam, yes (particularly the former), but each had a good period of time when an argument could be made that it was the best comedy on TV. And then there’s “Parks & Recreation,” which one could argue is the best comedy currently on TV. Except that it’s not fucking on! Because, instead, NBC decided to air this hot mess of a racist show. The idea of a show focused on an outsourced call center is fine. And done with half-a-fucking brain, it could be quite good. But the creators of this show appear to be in little more than making curry jokes. Laugh at the cultural disconnect, stay for the funny mispronunciations.
4. The Defenders (premieres on September 22 at 10 p.m. on CBS). Everytime I think that Jim Belushi is off my TV, they put him back on! Add in a heaping pile of Jerry O’Connel and you’ve got the best lawyer show ever because, see, they’re just crazy enough to be good at their jobs! …If I didn’t hate being a lawyer all on my own, this show would make me hate my profession by proxy.
3. Mike & Molly (premieres on September 20 at 9:30 p.m. on CBS). Fat is the new funny! Why should the Indian call centers get all the rote stereotype comedy? The fat guy looks like he’s pregnant. And he breaks tables with his girth. And he’s falling in love with the fat girl. Fat Love! Jesus, CBS, could you sink any lower?
(For some reason, the preview video isn’t embeddable. It’s your good luck because, trust me, the clip is two minutes of your life you wouldn’t get back.)
2. $#*! My Dad Says (premieres on September 23 at 8:30 p.m. on CBS). Turns out, CBS can sink lower — congrats on the hat trick, Eye. That’s right, television audience, you loved the Twitter feed, now watch it on TV. With William Shatner foregoing acting to play a stereotype of someone putting on a stereotyped Shatner impression, he’s crass and kooky, and who knows what he’ll say next? You will, if you tune in next Thursday to find out! …Of course, you’ll forget the kooky shit he says five minutes into the show, when you find yourself taking your own life. But those five minutes will be something!
1. Outsourced. Seriously, fuck this show right in its stereotyped ear.