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The Howling Gets Neutered

By TK Burton | Industry | November 23, 2009 |

By TK Burton | Industry | November 23, 2009 |

I need to learn to take my own goddamn advice.

A while back I mentioned that the very act of mentioning a classic movie will inevitably jinx it, and flip a switch somewhere in the Hollywood Derivative Idea Dungeon, thus causing a remake to be made. Well, we talked a couple of weeks about the Best Werewolf Movies of the Last 30 Years, and guess fucking what?

Yep, The Howling is being remade into a new film called The Howling: Reborn. Oh, it’s so much worse than it sounds, too. The original was directed by Joe Dante, and was about a reporter tracking a werewolf serial killer. Well, Slashfilm (via JoBlo) is reporting that not only is the remake being rushed into production — they’re hoping for a Halloween 2010 release — but it’s gonna be all Twilighted up. Fucking fuckety fucking fuckers.

Yes, JobBlo’s source reports that it’s going to be “a TWILIGHT/”Gossip Girl” wannabe.”

Let that sink in for a second.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Here’s their rough plot synopsis:

(A) young reporter - named Karen White - meeting up with a serial killer who is stalking her. In this version, however, there are no cops who burst in on the scene: she’s confronted and murdered by the killer, who of course turns out to be a werewolf. Only hook is, she was pregnant, and the baby lives… Cut to years later, and Karen’s son - Will - is attending a high-profile prep school, where he’s having weird dreams and the like. Naturally, he’s got wolfy tendencies, and - shock! - so do his friends. Does Will join the dark side (naturally, his friends turn out to be bad news), or fight against his urges and battle his hairy classmates?

Oh, good. No, really, that’s just bloody brilliant. It’s got tepid PG-13 scrawled all over it. This is the price we all will have to pay in the post-Twilight world. Instead of movies getting grittier and smarter and cooler, we now have to deal with the oncoming barrage of saccharine, sanitized, tween-angst-filled sparklized watered-down films that will neuter all of our favorite monsters. It will likely star people with names named Taylor or Britney or oh God, I’ve lost the will to live.

Happy fucking Monday.

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TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.