After weeks of speculation, Jennifer Lopez finally officially signed on as an “American Idol” judge, where presumably she’s set to join Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler at the judges table, which should pretty much give us all what we’ve hoping for since 2002: A miserable, flame-out, crash-and-burn, loud and embarrassing end to “American Idol” (it won’t happen this year, but it will provoke months of scrambling next year so that the producers can reverse the ratings downslide, but they will only make it worse by hiring someone even more worthless and unlikable than Jennifer Lopez). It is going to be schadenfreudtastic to write about the quick demise of the show.
I don’t like Jennifer Lopez. I don’t have a particularly logical reason for this, other than she made me love her briefly (Out of Sight) before splattering all that goodwill like brain matter against a concrete bathroom wall with every choice she’s made since Out of Sight. She also tainted Ben Affleck briefly. She’s also the wealthiest person of Latin descent in Hollywood, and I don’t like it when people get things they don’t deserve. Also, she doesn’t seem like a very nice person. Meen peepel suk.
For no reason at all, here are the only five people in the world I’d less rather see than Jennifer Lopez as an “American Idol” judge:
5. Frank Caliendo
4. Billy Bush
3. Peaches Geldof
2. Glen Beck
1. Fred Phelps