Kevin James is set to star in an untitled mixed martial arts film scripted by the hacktacular Allan Loeb (The Switch, 21). According to Variety, James will star as “a physics teacher who moonlights as a martial arts fighter to save his school’s music program.”
Here are the first five thoughts that came to mind when I saw the announcement:
5. Will theaters serve Strychnine with the popcorn during the screenings?
4. Will the mixed-martial arts include lighting farts?
3. Which too gorgeous, lithe actress with mediocre talent will play the love interest? I predict Malin Ackerman.
2. What’s taking Skynet so long, already? Seriously.
1. Pathetic waste of decent comedic talent. What’s wrong with Kevin James? Is he so goddamn insecure about himself that he can’t see beyond (un)funny fat guy roles? Does he not understand that no one is laughing with the guy? We’re not even laughing at the guy. We’re not laughing at all. We’re bored. Bored with the same bullshit. With the same jokes. Hey! Look! It’s a sweaty fat guy trying to be athletic. That’s hilarious! Because everyone knows that sweaty fat guys don’t belong anywhere but on a couch huffing Cheeto dust. It’s a fish out of water comedy! Let’s celebrate this man’s obesity! Let’s continue to perpetuate all sorts of shit about fat people. You know what’s funny about mocking fat people, Kevin James? Nothing. If you’re older than 12 years old, it makes you an asshole. And are you OK with the fact that “being fat” is your sole talent? Or, at least, that’s the perception you’re giving. Is that what you want to aspire to? To make a shit-ton of money for “being fat”? It’s tired, dude. Your career is a joke. And it didn’t have to be. Because you’re a likable guy. You can be funny and charming and witty. But instead, you choose to be “fat.” Congrats, Kevin! Have another muffin.