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The Cabin in the Woods Delayed

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | October 12, 2009 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | October 12, 2009 |

“If you hear a strange noise outside … have sex.”

Oh you can feel it coming, can’t you? Joss Whedon back on the big screen, back to his roots of putting a new twist on horror? February 2010 is only a few months away!

Yeah, we’re going to have to ask you to wait a year. Although the film is done and it’s ready to go to theaters on the date advertised on all the posters, it’s just missing something utterly critical, something that it is unimaginable Joss didn’t anticipate during production. It’s irresponsible, really, for him to call this a finished product. He didn’t make it in 3D, which as everyone knows is the diseased throbbing heart of the shambling corpse of any horror film. So now the powers that be at MGM have done the only thing a civic minded studio can do: they’ve delayed The Cabin in the Woods until January 2011 so that they can convert it to 3D.

Delaying a film that lampoons cheesy horror movies in order to modify it to use a display technique currently en vogue because of cheesy horror movies requires a truly epic blindness to irony. I’ve got a theory that shit like this follows Joss’s productions around because he’s a dry enough wit that humorless studio drones who think you can only laugh during comedies and cry during dramas have no idea what sarcasm is. Joss jokes to an assistant as they wrap editing “we totally should have done this in 3D” and within a week the recommendation has been championed by an up and coming Michael Bay wannabe wearing $500 jeans, a fake tan, and messy hair that takes a transvestite prostitute an hour every morning to tussle just right.

Oh, and I also hear that they’re delaying the next Twilight novel for three months while they re-typeset it with a different font. But, it’s like the font used by Edward on his blog, so it’s totally worth it.

Box Office Results October 11, 2009 | Bryan Singer Wants More X-Men

Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.