Look: OK. I know you know I don’t care about the Video Music Awards. And you know that I know that you don’t care about the VMAs. So, why am I posting the last night’s VMA winners here? Other than the fact that Jared Leto is still somehow a fucking relevant musician? I’m doing it to give you all an opportunity to voice your apathy. It’s the American way! Who cares less?

I mean lookit: “BIEBER WON,” “Dear Taylor Swift” and “Jared Leto” are the top trending topics on Twitter right now. If that’s not enough reason to consider a move to a yurt in Montana, grow a beard, unhook yourself from the grid, and live on insects and vermin, then the terrorists have won. And of course, I mean the terrorists with all the eye liner.

Video of the Year
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Best Male Video
Eminem - Not Afraid

Best Female video
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Best New Artist
Justin Bieber -f/Ludacris Baby

Best Hip Hop Video
Eminem - Not Afraid

Best Pop Video
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Best Dance Video
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Best Rock Video
30 Seconds To Mars- Kings and Queens

Best Collaboration
Lady Gaga feat. Beyoncé - Telephone

Best choreography
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Best Editing
Lady Gaga -Bad Romance

Best Art Direction
Florence + the Machine -Dog Days Are Over

Best Direction
Lady Gaga -Bad Romance

Best Cinematography
J-Z and Alicia Keyes- Empire State of Mind

Best Special Effects
Muse -Uprising

Breakthrough Video
The Black Keys - Tighten Up

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.