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What Happens When You Wax a Werewolf's Chest?

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 18, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 18, 2009 |

Check this out: Two weeks ago, number five on my Seriously Random List: “Five Franchises Primed for a Reboot”:

Teen Wolf: With the advance of makeup effects and computer graphics, the sudden popularity of vampires and, soon, werewolves (thanks to Twilight and Benicio Del Toro’s fortchcoming The Wolf Man and even Underworld), werewolf movies are likely the next big wave of remakes/reboots/ and sequels. And why not go after one of the most beloved franchises. It’s been 22 years since the horrid Jason Bateman Teen Wolf Too, and teen-targeted movies are the biggest moneymakers are the box office now. Teen Wolf, like the upcoming Karate Kid remake, already has a built in studio formula, so it wouldn’t take much to insert a new actor in Michael J. Fox’s stead. Hell, Robert Pattinson already has the hair for it. This one is coming; it’s only a matter of time.

You notice that last line? “It’s only a matter of time”? Yeah: That time is now. Fuck me in the armpit running. There’s not a lot of details yet, but according to Moviehole, Warner Brothers — who owns the rights to the movie — are “currently out to writers.” They’re apparently looking for the right reinterpretation, although in my opinion, reinterpretation isn’t necessary. It’s a simple movie, fools. High-school loser becomes werewolf, werewolf becomes star player of the basketball team, fat guy shoots the winning basket. The end. And as I suggested before, Pattinson already had the hair for the part.

Just don’t turn it into a musical.

I wonder what happens if you wax a werewolf’s chest? Does it grow back immediately? At the next full moon? Or does the werewolf get chest stubble in two weeks?

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.