At some point last night, after it became apparent that the dynamics of this story would fluctuate for a while (and probably never, ever, ever die), I thought it best that I just wait until morning and catch the overnight developments in one post. The latest is that, while Deadline characterized the fact that Megan Fox will not be returning to Transformers 3 as a shitcanning, Megan Fox — via her publicist — is claiming that it was her decision.
“Megan Fox will not be starring in Transformers 3. It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best.”
She’d have been much better off here playing the victim. But who cares who did what to who, although replica, in last night’s comments, wins for line of the evening:
Poor Fox. It’ll take her a while to figure out that just because they want to f*ck you, doesn’t mean they want to keep you.
It boils down to this: Megan Fox will not be in the third Transformers movie, and now Michael Bay has some more asses to fondle, breasts to ogle, and women with whom to attempt to plunge his wee pubic pinkie. Speculation abounds as to who will replace Fox, and both The Wrap and Ain’t It Cool News have been all over this casting story, citing reliable sources with access to Google image search who have thrown out nearly every woman under the age of 30 (save for Ellen Page) as a possibility. Candidates purportedly include Zoe Saldana, Hayden Panetierre, Vanessa Hudgens, Amber Heard, Camille Belle, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Ashley Greene, Jessica Lowndes, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Bar Rafaeli, Miranda Kerr and Brooklyn Decker. The frontrunner — and by frontrunner, I mean, the name who bloggers keep mentioning the most — is Gemma Arterton (Clash of the Titans, Prince of Persia), but at this point, it’s likely all just a bunch of bullshit speculation that allows movie bloggers to post as many images as possible of supermodel types under the guise of their profession. (Jeff Leins actually has a tasteful pictorial rundown of the possibilities).
You really don’t need an excuse to post half-naked photos, dudes. Really. Watch. Here’s a personal favorite of mine, and it’s of someone who has no shot at being cast in Transformers 3.
See how easy that is? If you want to arouse and titillate in a PG-13 Safe-for-Work fashion, just make up a Hottest list. You don’t have to make up shit about Megan Fox’s replacement. Don’t be so fucking coy.
But for the edification of our majority demographic here, I’d like to propose the ultimate solution to replace Megan Fox as the love interest in Transformers 3. Maybe we can take the future of the franchise into a bold new direction: