It originated with minstrel shows, people! Come on! Where’s the outrage?
Anyway, Taylor Lautner is going to play Stretch Armstrong. OK. OK? Are you happy? Is the world sufficiently healed enough now? Is this the post-Saints Super Bowl victory you were all craving for? A pretty-boy Twilight douche starring in a dumb ass movie based on a goddamn Hasbro toy? Really?
I want you all to know that this development, somehow, can be completely attributed to Drew Brees. In fact, I heard from a guy who is roommates with a guy who serves coffee at Starbucks to a guy who is cousins with a guy who works in the cafeteria of a Hollywood studio that Drew Brees actually greenlit Stretch Armstrong in the first place.
True fucking story.
Anyway, the movie is set to be about “an uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.” Taylor Lautner will play an “uptight spy”? Well, that’s a stretch.*
I should also mention that Lautner is also currently attached to another crappy action-movie franchise based on a retarded toy company concept. He’ll play the lead in Max Steel, based on a Mattel property, about young extreme-sports athlete who inadvertently earns superpowers after being exposed to nanotechological machines
It goes without saying, obviously, that Stretch Armstrong will be in 3D.
*That horrible pun was brought to you today by Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints.