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Take It Out Back and Shoot It: Inexplicable Television News

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | May 22, 2012 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | May 22, 2012 |

I was flipping channels the other day and discovered that a marathon of “Storage Wars” was running. And I use the word “discover” in the sense of getting fired, having your car totalled, and then finally arriving at home to “discover” the cooling corpses of your entire family. What would possess someone to film hours upon hours of footage of people bidding on other people’s abandoned storage lockers? Why would someone watch this on purpose? And why is the old dude bidding $600 because he thinks something is behind that mattress?

Oh my god, I’m infected. Chop off my head, burn my body, and stuff a “Firefly” disc in my skull’s teeth to keep me from rising again.

So, that show exists. But the good news is that one of the other heads of the cheap cable reality beast has been chopped off, although another two will probably grow back in its place. “Dog the Bounty Hunter” has been cancelled. A&E decided that they didn’t need to renew it for a ninth season. This show has run for eight seasons on a channel called “Arts and Entertainment.” Just let that sink in. Basic cable will literally put anything on the air at this point. Want to film an indie television series? Pitch it as a reality television series.

In other inexplicable television news, the only official “Game of Thrones” Facebook game will be launching soon. It’s called “Game of Thrones: Ascent” and a disposable executive said:

“Some people think social games often mean superficial, emotionless gameplay. But, if we do our job right, we’ll be proving that not only is there a way to build a new type of social game, but it’s a whole new way to play games with your friends.”

So look out for anyone posting messages and requests from the game onto your wall, so you can be sure to remove them as friends as quickly as possible.

And finally, “Rules of Engagement” has been officially picked up for a seventh season! In other news, I was going to make a crack about the shocking discovery that David Spade is still alive, but it turned to ash in my mouth when I then learned that this show is on Thursday nights and draws more viewers than “Community.” Awkward.

Want to know the best thing I have ever seen on television though? At the commercial break for “Storage Wars” I saw this:

Now if Farmville had been like that, I might have played it.

Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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