Hello all of you lovely lovers. Here’s news that I hope you fucking choke on.
UNO: Zack Snyder’s Superman: Man Of Steel, a film I went from cautiously optimistic about to dreading in the wake of Sucker Punch, is getting a second villain. In addition to Michael Shannon as Zod, German actress Antje Traue (Pandorum) has been cast as Faora, another evil Kryptonian who escapes from the Phantom Zone. She was the basis for Ursa in Superman 2. Fucking hell, Snyder. Just say you’re remaking Superman 2 and be done with it, you goddamn jackass.
This is Ms. Traue:
B: Yesterday Dustin posted the new image of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley from Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (note: all films from henceforth need to have a colon in the title. No, not that kind of colon). With the utmost respect to The Statham, she’s one of those beautiful women that I don’t find the least bit attractive. It’s a conundrum wrapped in a mystery surrounded by your mom. ANYWAY, here’s another couple of pics from the movie. One is of Shockwave, who transforms into either a Mazda RX-8 or a big-ass cannon, depending on what source material you’re looking at. The other is a gigantic robot something-or-other trashing Chicago. Honestly, I just want Michael Bay to heed my wish about the first two films: Make these entirely without dialogue, and we’re cool. Seriously.
3) Despite our protestations and lamentations, there will be a second G.I. Joe movie. The first one was horrible, but made a kersphlillion dollars. The only remotely interesting parts were the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow fights, and Rachel Nichols’ chest. Otherwise, it was a mess. But fortunately for us all, the guy who made Step Up 2: The Streets will be directing this time around. Anyway, it’s got a title: G.I. Joe 2: Cobra Strikes. See what I said about the colons? Also, if Joseph Gordon Levitt returns for this, I’ll shit in Dustin’s shoes.
Quatre - They’re making a new Zorro movie. This time, the Gay Blade will be up to his dashing hijinks in a post-apocalyptic future. No, I am not, in fact, shitting you. It’ll be directed by Rpin Suwannath (you know, good ol’ Rpin), and I’ve already forgotten what this paragraph was about.
Finalliciously, Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to make another Terminator movie. Good Lord. Much as I’m excited for Terminator 5: Geritol, after being burned by the last two movies, it’s hard to muster up any excitement at all. What’s that? He’s working with Fast Five director Justin Lin to try to get it made? Oh, well fuck my ear with a chicken wing, that makes it all better.
I hate you all.