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'Star Wars: Episode VII' Rumors: Okay, 1 Rumor And 7 Blatant Lies I Thought Up

By Jodi Smith | Industry | June 25, 2014 |

By Jodi Smith | Industry | June 25, 2014 |

Cindy had some Star Wars: Episode VII rumors for you earlier. Yet another rumor to add to that one is a possible cameo by Tom Cruise. Dude.

At this point, it would probably be faster to tell you what hasn’t been rumored for the film. You could hold out hope that one of these will actually come to pass, but I would be surprised if they did. But, if they do, you all owe me $50. READING THIS SIGNALS AGREEMENT TO THESE TERMS. BOOM.

1. C-3PO will have visible genitalia.


2. Justin Bieber will play a Jar-Jar Binks character named Jerklerk Dickusfayce. He will die a horrible death.


3. The female villain will attack by using her period to attract space bears that fight the Rebel forces.


4. The Futurama crew will make an appearance to deliver a highly important package to Endor. Zoidberg decides to stay behind and join the Empire and eat food he finds stuck in air vents.


5. It is revealed that Chewbacca had a fling with an Ewok while on Endor and has a son. He and Han will travel back to Endor to meet the child Chewy didn’t know he had and attempt to connect with him.


6. Luke has spent the 30 years since we last saw him in and out of relationships. He just can’t trust that any attractive woman isn’t his sister and never makes it past the first date. He spends his extra time looking for evidence that he and Leia are part of a set of quintuplets.


7. One sequence will be entirely in LEGO.



I’m really hoping for this last one to happen.

Jodi Smith is a Senior Reporter, Film & Television at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.

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