James Franco and Seth Rogen have made a comedy called The Interview which involves a couple of idiots sent to assassinate Kim Jong Un, President and Commander in Asshole of North Korea. Apparently this has upset Kim Jong Un, who has declared that the film is an “act of war” against his personal playground of totalitarian twatwafflery.
We at Pajiba pride ourselves on unilaterally speaking on behalf of the entire country, following in the footsteps of every great media outlet, and so we can say for all Americans: we don’t care what Kim Jon Un thinks.
But Sony, oh Sony, they’re not real Americans.
I mean like literally, it’s a Japanese company and all. But like figuratively too, Joe Plumber style. Because Sony, oh Sony, they’re bowing to North Korean pressure. Going back, digitally altering the film to placate Kim Jong Un.
What about freedom of speech? What about the sanctity of artistic expression? Goddamnit what about apple pie and baseball and standing up to authoritarian thugs? Somebody think of the children and bust out the Bud Light and American flags, because these colors aren’t going to run just because the Japanese don’t understand that freedom isn’t free. So get your cowboy hat and spurs Slim, because we’re going to ride a bomb of comedy right down onto Pyongyang.
When asked for his response to the developing situation, Kim Jong Un only giggled and sang “I rule a little shitpot, short and stout, here is my gulag, here is my gout.”
Internet commenters have surged to their keyboards, condemning Sony, declaring their demands, their DEMANDS, for an uncut version of this masterpiece. Trade news outlets have headlines calling us to arms, breathless prose noting that “showcasing military decorations would be considered blasphemous to the nuclear-armed nation” and using the fact that North Korea demanded that President Obama prevent the film’s release as a starting point to speculate that Obama was actually considering doing exactly that.
So what exactly is Sony changing?
They’re digitally altering the buttons on some of the North Korean military uniforms, and removing a scene of Kim Jon Un’s face melting because the filmmakers decided it just wasn’t funny. I seem to remember a technical definition for this process of utter artistic cowardice. What was it? Hmm, tip of my tongue, oh yeah: EDITING. That thing that’s part of the normal process of making a movie.
Wow, it’s almost like Sony intentionally decided to make some irrelevant changes in the wake of North Korea complaining precisely in order to get the Internet pissed about the fact that they were changing something. And overnight a film no one cared about is getting defended everywhere by people demanding to see the uncut version.
Don’t play chess with Sony is what I’m saying, they’re playing the game in dimensions most people can’t even visualize.
Steven Lloyd Wilson is a hopeless romantic and the last scion of Norse warriors and the forbidden elder gods. His novel, ramblings, and assorted fictions coalesce at www.burningviolin.com. You can email him here and order his novel here.