It’s time for SciFi Thursday, that most blessed day of the week, and what do I find? There is almost nothing to talk about because Jupiter Ascending was so bad it apparently killed genre itself at least a week in the future.
What thin and unappetizing scrapings can we find at the bottom of the leaking barrel?
We start in fantasy, due to the fact that I’ve acknowledged long ago that “SciFi Thursday” is woefully misnamed. If only I had some control over it, but alas, the beast has its own mind now, lurching along with little care to its progenitor. Remember Wheel of Time? The enormous fantasy book series that was good for 4 books, mediocre for 2, atrocious for 5, and then tolerable for 3 once Brandon Sanderson was brought in for posthumous finishing? Well it turns out that the television rights for it were sold to Universal. And that the rights would regress to Robert Jordan’s widow if a show wasn’t aired by February 11th.
Naturally due to hating widows, they made an atrocious no-budget 22 minute prologue starring Billy Zane and aired it at 1:30 in the morning on an infomercial slot on FXX. You can watch it below, but I warn you, it’s almost as bad as Jupiter Ascending:
Next, at least we have some Star Wars news. And by news, I mean that Billy Dee Williams is giving quotes to the media about how he has not been contacted for the new movies at all, but he is confident that he will since he is Lando Motherfucking Calrissian:
Says Billie Dee:
“I have a feeling I’m going to show up. There’s nothing I can really discuss about it at this stage. People think of me as the original cast, but I didn’t come in until the second movie. I did Empire and then I did Return of the Jedi, but I came in after everyone else was introduced…So I think they’re probably proceeding in that way. I can’t imagine them not bringing Lando back.”
(source: Cinema Blend)
Finally, I present to you the greatest thing on the Internet today. If the Onion posted this as satire, it wouldn’t be funny because it’s too silly to take seriously. I bring you, a piece entitled “Time to Start Looking At ‘Cyborg’ As a Gender Identity”. Come for the explanation that “I am a Cyborg. No, I don’t have any technological enhancements just yet, though I plan on doing so very soon with help from my friends within the DIY grinder community” but stay for “When you couple that with my Transhumanist ideology, my pansexuality is also enhanced to include cyborgs, and eventually post-humans and sentient machines” and the fact that he made his own cybersexual flag.
Somehow this is a Wachowski’s fault.