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Sassmouth Reese Witherspoon Arrested, Goes from America's Sweetheart to America's Drunk Sweetheart

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | April 22, 2013 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | April 22, 2013 |

Honestly, I didn’t think Reese Witherspoon had it in her. She always seemed to me the poster-lady for uptight soccer mom-ness, the kind of woman that gives her accountant-type husband the hairy eyeball if he has more than two drinks. She always seemed pretty, sweet, and kind of a buzzkill.

But now she has a police record and a mugshot, and now I think I love her.

Witherspoon was arrested on Friday night, and honestly, her crime wasn’t so bad (a misdemeanor). It was actually her husband who was pulled over for a DUI, when Witherspoon began sassmouthing the police officer.

“Mrs. Witherspoon began to hang out the window and say that she did not believe that I was a real police officer,” according to the report. “I told Mrs. Witherspoon to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

The report went on to state, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, ‘Do you know my name?’ I answered, ‘No, I don’t need to know your name.’ I then added, ‘Right now.’ Mrs. Witherspoon stated, ‘You’re about to find out who I am’.”

Things about this scenario that I love: 1) She hung out the window, 2) she talked sh*t to the police officer in total white-trash fashion, and 3) she pulled the “Do you know who I am card.” If only she’d taken her top off, the image would’ve been complete.

She has apologized, however, releasing a statement yesterday. “I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.” My guess is that one drink too many was actually just one drink, but good for her for showing some personality. My guess is that her husband was probably the one that was really pissed because the two spent a few hours in jail, and Witherspoon’s buzz had already worn off by the time they’d gotten home, and you know that guy was going to get the drunk Witherspoon sex he waits MONTHS to get.

Poor guy. Finally gets his opening, and the cops cock block him. Let’s poor one out for Jim Toth, y’all.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.