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Why Do You Want to Hurt Me, Sam Raimi?

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | July 22, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | July 22, 2009 |

Oh, man. I am so fucking torn this morning. How do I approach a post where one of my favorite directors is about to direct a video-game movie? I feel like somebody just shit in my fajitas. I mean, on the one hand: They’re fajitas! I could eat fajitas three times a day for the rest of my life. But on the other hand, they’re full of shit. Do I just remove the shit and eat away? Or do I toss the fajitas?

The story: Sam Raimi — the man behind The Evil Dead Trilogy, Darkman, A Simple Plan, Drag Me to Hell, two pretty goddamn good Spiderman movies (and one bad one) — is going to direct World of Warcraft, a video-game movie. Oh, fuck you. I know it’s a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG), which is even worse: It’s a video game movie crossed with a role-playing game, which is essentially my version of hell. And Sam Raimi is dragging me there (Thundercats, hoooooo!) So, of course I’m going to see it, but what if I love it? What will become of me? Will I lose sight of myself? Will I lose my identity? I’ll be so cold. And confused. Oh, god. Hold me, Vermillion. Hold me. Nononono! Not Vermillion. What’s happening to me? Oh shit shit shit shit. First Ryan Reynolds make not one, but two comic-book superhero movies. And now this: Sam Raimi is directing Dungeons and Dragons go to Doom. What’s next? Will I end up at Comic-Con? They will eat me alive there. I look like a goddamn frat boy. They’ll beat me with a thousand lilliputian punches and throw me into some sort of Jabba lair.

Why must our worlds intersect!?

I’ve got to get a hold of myself. So, for the uninitiated (can we be friends?), World of Warcraft is a MMORPG, where — like — 12 million subscribers (and growing) go online, and basically hang out, look around, kill monsters, chat with fellow players, and go on quests (ack! Quest movies!) In addition to that, there’s something of a Sims quality to it, as well. The more you play, the more skills you get — you can learn trades or join a guild. But from a broader perspective, it chronicles a 25-year struggle between the Alliance (humans, dwarves, gnomes, and elves) and the Horde (orcs, tauren, trolls, and undead).

Raimi will be developing World of Warcraft while he’s filming Spider-man 4, with the intention of shooting the latter, which means that filming probably won’t begin, at least, until late next year. I wouldn’t expect a release date until, at least, the winter of 2011, but more likely the summer of 2012, which means I have three more years to brace myself.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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