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We Don't Need Another xXx

By TK Burton | Industry | June 10, 2009 |

By TK Burton | Industry | June 10, 2009 |

Rob Cohen is one of Hollywood’s true success stories. The man has almost zero real talent — at best, he can construct a decent (though CGI-infected) action scene, and build a decent trailer around it. And yet he’s made gagamajillions of dollars by feeding audiences cinematic fast food. His films are filled with lousy actors, telegraphed plots, and lots of KABOOM! And no heart. He’s the man responsible for xXx, The Fast And The Furious (before it got even furiousererer), and That Shot Of Jessica Biel’s Ass Stealth. Truth be told, the best thing he’s directed was probably the video for Rammstein’s “Feuer Frei!”

Anyway, after the nightmarishly bad Ice Cube sequel (that he didn’t direct, bless his plastic, action figure heart) he was set to return to the xXx franchise with xXx The Return of Xander Cage (feel free to toss around a couple of gay porn jokes). Jesus, what a shit title. Well, no more. Instead, he’s going to direct Medieval, which he described as “The Magnificent Seven in the Middle Ages.” It will be produced by McG.

The Magnificent Seven. Rob Cohen. McG. These things should never be mentioned in the same article, and for that I am truly sorry.

Incidentally, I almost titled this “Rob Cohen To Get Medieval on Your Asses,” but then I realized that a) I don’t write for The Hollywood Reporter and b) I’m not a fucking moron.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.