Maybe it’s just because I recently showed by four-year-old Monsters, Inc. and am now living with the repercussions of that (“I know they’re not real, Daddy, but will you PLEASE shut the motherfucking closet door so that googly-eyed asshole doesn’t attack me in my sleep”), but the Rise of the Guardians trailer looks like the last movie I’d want to show to its target audience. The premise is kind of cool, for an adult: It’s about a universe in which the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Sandman and the Tooth Fairy are the protectors of children. When the goddamn horseman of the apocalypse arrive, it’s Santa Claus and Co.’s duty to conjure up some magic to defeat the dark forces of evil. And of course, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy can only survive if you believe in them. “As long as they believe in us, we will guard them with our lives.” Fail to believe, and I guess those evil goddamn horses will break through your window and chew your fucking face off, kiddo.
Basically, it sounds like a movie in which children are terrified into believing in Santa and, to be honest, the sooner kids stop believing in Santa, the better. I mean, come on: Twice the hassle, half the credit. Santa is a bum rap for parents. Also, I love Guillermo Del Toro, but if his name is anywhere in the credits, that’s my cue to keep it the hell away from children until they’ve reached an appropriate age, like say 17. That said, it does look kind of cool, just bring a blankie.