Everything’s going to be alright, folks. They’ve announced much of the cast for the Ben-Hur remake that absolutely no one asked for. It’ll star Jack Huston (Boardwalk Empire) as the titular character, Toby Kebbel as his boyhood friend Masalla, Rodrigo Santoro(who was recently laughably bad in 300: Rise of an Empire) as Jesus Christ, the legitimately amazing Pedro Pascal as Pontius Pilate (in the most amazingly, astoundingly alliterative casting ever), and Morgan Freeman as the magical negro who teaches Ben-Hur how to survive, likely through softly spoken, wise aphorisms.
The original, of course, starred Charlton Heston and Jack Hawkins, and was directed by William Wyler, and won 11 Academy Awards. It is still considered one of the finest epic films in the history of cinema.
The new one will be directed by Timur Bekmambetov, who directed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Wanted and co-stars someone from Gossip Girl. I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong!
Everything’s going to OK! Now let’s all hit ourselves in the head with hammers!