Inexplicably, “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” ran for seven seasons in the nineties. I cannot say that I ever knew a single person who watched the show other than a handful of individuals in high school who had terribly creepy crushes on the title character. Not creepy because of age inappropriateness, but because said crushes seemed to verge on the pathological. Feet may have been mentioned, but it’s difficult to recover memories that suppressed by time and substance abuse.
The very idea of the series seems like a joke concept of a show, or at the very least one of those inexplicable shows that run on the Disney channel and create careers for idiots, unleashing them to plague us for another decade after they totally decide they want to be super cereal actors and musicians. At least Melissa Joan Hart didn’t do that to us, mostly disappearing after the series was finally put down.
And yet, the series was technically an adaptation, based on a comic book series from the seventies that ran for a decade. Is every generation doomed to a “Sabrina” adaptation that it purges from its collective memory? It’s possible, because folks, we’re getting a movie reboot thanks to Sony! I can’t imagine why they just announced yesterday record $6.8 billion losses. That’s unpossible!
And because no amount of snark can possibly do justice to just how terrible this film looks to be, I’m just going to leave you with these quotes from the announcement article over on Deadline to soak into the darkest parts of your poison hearts:
“being recast as a superhero”
“an origin story in the vein of Spider-Man”
“the tone of the movie will be edgier”
Salem will be “a transformed prince creating unique love stories for Sabrina”
“a priority for the studio”
“fast tracking the negotiations”
And the best one of all, a direct quote from producers Don Murphy and Susan Montford who were last heard from shitting on your local cineplex with Real Steel:
“We mentioned it in a meeting to Amy Pascal who chimed in “I’m the little witch girl.” From then on we knew it was the right home.”
I don’t know what that quote is saying but it makes me want to scrub and scrub until I’m not dirty any more.